From Relegation Form to European Royalty? Only Spurs Could…

Picture the scene: Tottenham Hotspur and Manchester United, two former footballing powerhouses, squaring off in the Europa League final… while sitting 17th and 16th in the Premier League. No, it’s not the set-up to a dark football satire. It’s very much real life, and it’s happening in Bilbao.

Yes, Spurs—the same team that’s spent most of the season perfecting the art of snatching defeat from the jaws of victory—are now one match from lifting a European trophy. Our last one was in 1984, back when shoulder pads were trendy and our trophy cabinet still had room to gather dust.

Worst Season Ever? Not If We Win

It’s been a season so bleak it makes the “Lasagna Gate” year look like the Invincibles. Twenty-one league defeats. Twenty-five across all comps. Injuries everywhere. Even our record signing Dominic Solanke—who was supposed to be our Erling Haaland—has looked more Bournemouth than Ballon d’Or.

Yet somehow, we’ve made it to the final. We’ve even beaten United three times already this season. If football worked like logic, we’d be favourites. But this is Spurs. Logic usually leaves the chat somewhere around Christmas.

Ange’s Last Hurrah?

Ange Postecoglou came in with promises of attacking football and no backwards passing. He also said he always wins a trophy in his second season. Technically, he didn’t say where that season would end.

Now he’s rumoured to be leaving regardless of the result. A fittingly Spursy twist: bring in a manager to transform the club, nearly get relegated, but maybe win a European title, and then wave him off with a shrug and a “cheers mate”.

Should we win, it’ll be Ange’s mic-drop moment. Should we lose? Well, let’s just say the Brighton match on Sunday might have the vibe of a funeral with flares.

The Walking Wounded

We’ll be without Maddison and Kulusevski—because obviously. Bergvall’s out too, which is particularly heartbreaking as the kid was just starting to look like he knew where the goal was. Son will have to carry the creative load again, which is fine as long as he remembers he’s allowed to shoot with his right foot.

The midfield will likely be some cocktail of Bissouma, Bentancur and Sarr. Not exactly the dream trio of Modric, Dembele and Eriksen, but at this point we’d take anyone with functioning hamstrings.

United Also Rubbish

Lest we feel too sorry for ourselves, let’s remember United have somehow been even worse. They’ve gone full banter club—sacked their manager, hired a new one mid-season, and have Rasmus Hojlund leading the line like a lost exchange student.

Their captain Bruno Fernandes has impressive stats—27 Europa League goals and counting—but has spent half the season looking like he’s about to report his own team to HR. And then there’s Onana, who’s made more errors leading to goals than anyone not named Loris.

Prediction? Pain

Opta’s supercomputer gives us a 50.3% chance of winning, which feels suspiciously high. It must not have watched us try to defend a lead. Or take a corner.

Still, penalties seem likely. Spurs fans might want to have a paper bag ready for that inevitable shootout. Three of the last four finals have gone the distance, and with both teams allergic to clean sheets, we may well be settling this in the most nerve-shredding way possible.

Spursy Redemption?

And yet… what if? What if we do the unthinkable? What if we lift a European trophy at the end of our worst domestic campaign in nearly half a century?

It would be the most Spursy thing ever. But for once, in a good way.

So pour yourself a stiff drink, clear your Wednesday evening, and prepare for either eternal glory or a meltdown of galactic proportions. Either way, it’ll be one for the history books—and therapy sessions.