The Levy Files. Dossier 15: Why he Picked AVB.

“I couldn’t help myself officer. You see after having the Premier League back and then taken away so soon, well the temptation took over me.”

“Now now son, we know what you did, just tell us what you saw.”

“I didn’t see anything!! Honestly.”

I was lying as best as I could. The truth was I saw everything.

Earlier.

After a summer where the country toasted new heroes and the glory of sport was apparently rediscovered, the return of the Premier League pushed me over the edge. The nonsense, the banal booing, the over/underpriced players and the shiny new kits had me once again addicted.

I survived the first international break by leaving the country, but this one I couldn’t escape.

One week until the Reading game, a week without seeing AVB’s army, a week without a true news story direct from the manager or one of the payers without the use of Google translate, basically I was climbing the walls and dripping in cold sweat.

With no credible news about Spurs to feast upon, I strolled out of my North London home, destination and purpose unknown. Arriving at some giant structure, some monument to great football I found my self jumping, crawling and sneaking, and before I knew what I was doing, I was jimmying open the door to Daniel Levy’s office with a screwdriver that I had managed to acquire at some point.

Trance like I tiptoed past the framed images of yesteryear and Levy’s proudest moments: Dimitar Berbatov signing at Man U, Bale pencilling a fire proof contract and Redknapp’s P45. These glimpses into our chairman’s psyche didn’t stop me though, there was an unnatural force pulling towards the far side of his classically furnished office, it was the filling cabinet.

With a delicate poking from a paper clip, the cabinet opened up easier than a Bassong led defence and finally I was looking at the Top Secret files of Daniel Levy. Clarity came over me and using my phone I made copies, I was working with a never seen before efficiency, until I found:

Dossier 15: The Redknapp Replacement Report

Unbeknown to me I had set off the silent alarm by removing a paper clip from Levy’s personal stack and when the Police arrived they found me sat on the floor engrossed in the report. I never made physical copies of this one, but here is what I remember, and how Levy picked our manager:

Jose Mourinho

Our study shows that the subject possess a serious God Complex, which thanks to studies carried out on John Terry, has been proven to be contagious. He has a disposition for physical violence and his preferred attacking move of “eye gouging” shows that deep down he is unable to deal with public scrutiny. He has all the attributes to lead the club to glory, but will require serious financial resources to do so. He has also shown an unwillingness to listen to authority figures.

In terms of Project Tottenham, he is therefore the most qualified but the least suitable.

David Moyes

Findings suggest that he likes them big strong and aerially capable. Moyes would require the purchase of Marouane Fellaini which would have a significant effect on the launch of Under Armour and the clubs appeal to the female audience. Proven to be tough and honest, he is the disciple of Andy Murray follower and Sean Connery’s booze buddy Sir Alex Ferguson. Psych valuation prove that his facial expressions and bulging eyes are tell-tale signs that he would be only three missed Defoe chances away from a mental and violent breakdown.

Cheap, experienced, but likely to be unpopular with the fans. May explode violently if provoked.

Brendan Rodgers

His exposure to Jose Mourinho has led him to believe that he is in fact Pep Guardiola. He believes in the beautiful game, but he is also convinced that he has played for Barca and Brescia. Rodgers enforces a strict passing game which is rather pleasing on the eye, but at times is likely to implode to the detriment of the team. He has shown a susceptibility to believe everything a chairman says, but is willing to put his faith in youth.

An excellent choice given ethos and susceptibility, but ultimately his belief that he is Pep make him a rather unstable candidate.

Andre Villas Boas

Has experienced mild exposure to Mourinho, but fortunately underwent 9 months of treatment in a West London Russian financed health clinic. Emerged from experience more focused and determined, although still believes whole heartedly in the 4-2-3-1. Tone and cracking of voice has been shown to be a physical defect and not actually a by product of stress, however his ability to handle some older players in question. AVB has a point to prove and is available without compensation; however his appointment will turn the majority of journalists affected by the “Redknapp BS” against the club.

Will generate negative press, but has a clear goal and has fully recovered from the “Next Special One” label.

Alan Pardew

Suffers from an acute lack of ability, but compensates this with a serious delusion of personal skill level. Pardew has shown to be easily manipulated and will believe with out question that he is actually in charge of transfers, scouting, training and match tactics, which bodes well for a dominating chairman. Psych reports suggest he may, at certain high stress moments resort to violence against officials but these are more likely be a plea for help, not intended cause injury.

Possesses some relative ability, but unlikely to unite a club or succeed at a high level.

Sam Allardyce 

Tactically inept, a penchant for the long ball, we suggest looking elsewhe………

It was at this moment the Police burst through the door, with nowhere to run I accepted my fate like a man.

“Not the face!!” I pleaded.

Back to the present

“I demand he be punished. Those files are top secret, he has been into my inner sanctum and I feel violated.”

“I am sorry Sir, but clearly he has suffered from a mental issue leading us to believe he was acting with diminished responsibility.”

“Diminished what? You tear him apart I am Daniel…”

“He has a clean record; we will give him a slap on the wrist and then release him.”

“What about my files, what if he made copies?”

“We found nothing on him.”

“How thorough was the search? Did you look everywhere? I demand a full body search!!”

“As you wish. Constable S Campbell please carry out a full body search.”

“With pleasure!!”

Later

Violated and limping I returned home, however as the pain seeped away as I basked in the knowledge I had gained. Rather like Scotty Parker, I had taken one for the team, we can see that Levy at least has a though process on who to appoint. Now only if he would sign the players his appointment wants.

I will release the rest of the Levy Files one day, until then COYS.