Louis Van Gaal

[Park Lane James]

Disappointed by this news. Not so much because he hasn't come to us, but more that after all his mouthing off about being a success and better than everybody else he's just taken the easy route - much like Mourinho does.

I hope he goes on a poor run and has the Trafford faithful on his back. Alas, I have a feeling that won't happen.

How is United the 'easy route?' Regardless of how much money he has to spend, that squad needs a serious overhaul. Anyway, these are the best coaches in the world. It is not the 'easy route' for them, it is a simple case of being offered the best jobs in world football. Being the coach of Manchester United is, arguably, the biggest job in football (less pressure than Barca or Real, that's for sure)!

 

[Smoked Salmon]

How is United the 'easy route?' Regardless of how much money he has to spend, that squad needs a serious overhaul.

The same squad that won the league the year before last? Wow, I hope we get a squad that needs a "serious overhaul" in a the next few years.....

 

[Mensa]

Manchester United will not be easy as
1) they do need an overhaul in defence and a couple of quality midfielders due to lack of quality and the aging/departure of that title winning side.
2) There are so many challenging for champions league now they cant slip up again

However Man U still have oodles of quality still and word is there will be an obscene amount they have already set aside to pump into new players this summer, so they have all the resources of a team of their stature

so yes its an easier route than managing us but wont be easy to get to where they once were

 

[MJHall]

This is going to be brilliant. He's already started digging out the English press, his inevitable spat with Mourinho will be magnificent to behold, and I'd offer short odds on him not head butting Pardew when he plays Newcastle.

If only we'd managed to get to Bielsa before Marseille this could have been the greatest season in English football history.

 

[sammyspurs]

LvG is to replace SAF after Moyes epic failure....

Easy route? Dont think so

 

[Park Lane James]

The same squad that won the league the year before last? Wow, I hope we get a squad that needs a "serious overhaul" in a the next few years.....

They also finished 7th this season. Regardless of the manager, that midfield needs re-shaping, and the defence lacks serious depth. They're also losing four of the most important people in the dressing next season - Ferdinand, Vidic, Evra and Giggs (who will still be around, but not in a playing capacity).

Youre' deluding yourself if you don't think they need some serious cash to get them in shape

 

[Tomo]

They also finished 7th this season. Regardless of the manager, that midfield needs re-shaping, and the defence lacks serious depth. They're also losing four of the most important people in the dressing next season - Ferdinand, Vidic, Evra and Giggs (who will still be around, but not in a playing capacity).

Youre' deluding yourself if you don't think they need some serious cash to get them in shape

United need to go to town, get rid of half of the crap still there and buy 8-9 players, if they have 200 million plus any money they will be getting from any sales, say 250 million and they spend well the second half of the season could be interesting as Van Gaal starts to shape the team.

 

[ArtyB]

SPORT
Dear British football journalists,

Congratulations on obtaining Louis van Gaal. From this moment on, you will be patronised, looked at with disdain, and haunted by a constant doubt if Mr. Van Gaal is flat out making fun of you or being dead serious. Before you embark on the journey that is having a post match interview with Mr. Van Gaal, you should make yourself familiar with these ten ground rules.


1. Be prepared for any possible mood Contrary to many other managers, whether the match is won, drawn or lost is no indication whatsoever of Van Gaal’s mood. Even if he has won and seems to be quite happy, one wrong question can - and will - put him off.

2. Start neutral Begin with a question about the match just played. “How did your team do?” or “What did you think?” will suffice. “You must be very disappointed” will not. That is because the match you saw and the match he saw can be very different ones. Mr. Van Gaal is perfectly comfortable declaring that a 0-3 loss at home to Sunderland was his team’s best game all season, just because his players were doing what he told them to do. It’s not always about what ends up on the scoreboard. Don’t enter the interview thinking it is.

3. Don’t introduce yourself Or else he’ll know your name, remember it and use itagainst you. You will not be some anonymous guy with a microphone and a cameraman on his side; you will be Gary, or Clive, or Tony, with whom he will or will not have a feud from the get-go. (He will.)

4. Stay on topic If the interview’s about the game, you talk about the game. Not about the next game, transfer rumours or whatever happened on the training pitch. Every question about anything else than the game just played will derail the conversation.

5. It’s his language now, not yours Mr. Van Gaal will come up with new additions to the Oxford Dictionary. In Germany, he inadvertently (or was it?) introduced the phrase Der Tod oder die Gladiolen, a Dutch saying meaning literally “death or the gladioli”: all or nothing. This is because if Mr. Van Gaal speaks your language, it is no longer your language, it’s his. It is not Mr. Van Gaal who has trouble speaking English, it is you, for not going along with his obviously much better interpretation of it.

6. Try to avoid the meta-interview An interview with Mr. Van Gaal will almost inevitably wind up being an interview about the interview, or more specifically, him asking questions about your questions. This will be the moment you feel the conversation is slipping away from you. Switch back to the studio, or it will end up on YouTube.

7. Don’t repeat the question Never mind - you will fail at this. You won’t fool him, even if you think your follow-up question is a cleverly rephrased, well disguised one. He’ll say: “I just told you”. This is inevitable. Don’t try to avoid it, just try to get past it without crashing, like you would at a speed bump.

8. Keep on your toes At some point, you will think Mr. Van Gaal is joking (Click this, you will not be disappointed). Sure, he does it with a straight face, but he’s joking, he must be. He’s mocking you. Or is he really this angry about this little thing you just said? No - it can’t be. You start to stammer. Ha! He’s just taking a… wait, is he? You will never know, as only Mr. Van Gaal knows. And he never breaks character.

9. Distinguish fact from opinion This is hard, as only Mr. Van Gaal can determinewhich are facts and which are opinions. Which team was disadvantaged by the ref, or which team should have won based on the number of chances? He, and only he, will have the answer. These are the facts. Your facts are opinions. After the 1-1 draw of Holland against Ecuador last Saturday, he called the 0-1 an “unfortunate ball moment”: nothing to do about it. In Mr. Van Gaal’s world, this makes perfect sense. In your world it may not, but you are not to point this out, as he will call you dumb.

10. Stay under three minutes Try to get everything you need within that window. After that, the chances of hitting a conversational speed bump will statistically rise. You’ll start wandering into other realms of conversation (how about this or that rumour, Mr. Van Gaal?), or you will ask a question a second time, or he will say you did. After that, you’re on your own. Good luck, mate.

 

[MJHall]

No matter how many times I have seen the video in point 8 above, and by now it must be over a hundred since I was first linked to it at Christmas, I still end up rolling around on my floor laughing.

The sheer incongruity of him taking offence at the line-up of the next shows guests and the utter confusion of the host are just a joy. It is genuinely like something taken from a Dutch version of The Day Today.

Geoff Shreeves must be absolutely bricking himself.

 

[Mad Yid]

I can't fucking wait for him to cunt mourine off lol

this shit is gonna be class

 

[Mad Yid]

Been saying it for a while but Ive felt he would work better with them than us.
He is like a Dutch Fergie, authoritarian, abrassive - but great if you get on his good side. They respond to that sort of management - he will fit.
With us? I just dont see our squad reacting positively to it.

fuck the squad and their pampered fuckin egos, I don't see him lasting a season with Levy and not choking the shit out of him.

 

[Lister]

fuck the squad and their pampered fuckin egos, I don't see him lasting a season with Levy and not choking the shit out of him.

Cant really "fuck the squad" though, can we? They are the biggest asset at the club, we need to work with and not against them.

That said I do like the sentiment.

 

[Dutchy]

No matter how many times I have seen the video in point 8 above, and by now it must be over a hundred since I was first linked to it at Christmas, I still end up rolling around on my floor laughing.

The sheer incongruity of him taking offence at the line-up of the next shows guests and the utter confusion of the host are just a joy. It is genuinely like something taken from a Dutch version of The Day Today.

Geoff Shreeves must be absolutely bricking himself.

You know that is staged right? That whole thing was set up trying to fool his friends of the media.

 

[Park Lane James]

I can't fucking wait for him to cunt mourine off lol

this shit is gonna be class

Van Gaal v Mourinho is going to be one for the ages. Frazier/Ali, Messi/Ronaldo, LeBron/Durant, Bieber/Miley

I wonder who will fire the first shot? I have a feeling that Mourinho might test him in an interview and Van Gaal will just completely cunt him off back

 

[CJJ]

Can you imagine the 3 sided arguments that would occur if Benitez came back to the PL next season?

Mourinho vs Benitez vs Van Gaal....

 

[ArtyB]

Geoff Shreeves must be absolutely bricking himself.

I'm really looking forward to him getting interviewed by the boys in the studio after a match, I just really want to see Jamie Redknapp get shot down in flames, or even that other cunt Ed Chamberlin on the Monday night.

 

[Park Lane James]

I'm really looking forward to him getting interviewed by the boys in the studio after a match, I just really want to see Jamie Redknapp get shot down in flames, or even that other cunt Ed Chamberlin on the Monday night.

Do you not like Ed Chamberlain? I find him alright actually. Not exactly got a lot of persona but does his job well, and much less of a cunt than Richard Keys

 

[ArtyB]

Do you not like Ed Chamberlain? I find him alright actually. Not exactly got a lot of persona but does his job well, and much less of a cunt than Richard Keys

He's not up to the Key's level but he's working his way up through the cuntiness levels, he's already interrupting Carragher and Neville to shoehorn in his worthless tactical opinions...can't wait until he tries it with van Gaal.

 

[MJHall]

You know that is staged right? That whole thing was set up trying to fool his friends of the media.

Yeah, I am aware it is a joke, hence the mention of The Day Today (although I doubt that show ever exported particularly well outside the UK).

I don't know how much peripheral coverage outside the games themselves you have watched but English coverage is a million miles away from the Dutch shows. Something like that would never happen here, favouring as we do witless ex-pros with no charisma or intellect to act as pundits. Louis van Gaal playing his 'Is he joking?' routine on Gary Lineker or Jake Humphreys will be amazing to watch.

Everytime he speaks to these people there will be a sense of danger. It will definitely liven up MOTD.

 

[Park Lane James]

He's not up to the Key's level but he's working his way up through the cuntiness levels, he's already interrupting Carragher and Neville to shoehorn in his worthless tactical opinions...can't wait until he tries it with van Gaal.

I really, really, really hope he does. It will be fucking hilarious to watch him get shot down