In the beginning…
1886: Gooner Stench. Formed from leftovers and crap in South London a good 4 years after Spurs were born, Dial Square as they were originally known played their first match on a field with an open sewer running through the middle – the stench remains an integral part of them to this day
1887: Early end. After being battered 2-1 in the first match between Spurs and Woolwich, Woolwich cried to the ref to get the game abandoned with 15 minutes to play, which it was – although Spurs were the moral winners, and have been ever since.
1913: INVASION OF NORTH LONDON. Henry Norris was a west london real estate agent who dreamed of challenging the dominance of Northern and midlands clubs in the English League early in the last century. Norris, who later became mayor of Fulham, a Conservative member of parliament and earned a knighthood as well as a lifetime ban from soccer, believed that if he merged ailing Woolwich Woolwich of south London with Fulham in west London his dream of a London super-club could take shape. But the League blocked his proposals, so he cut his ties with Fulham, gambled all on Woolwich, a terrible personal finance move, and moved them across the River Thames and north to the wide-open spaces of Highbury. The only trouble with this plan was that the new stadium was close to the established homes of Tottenham three miles north and Clapton Orient, two miles east. Despite Spurs and Orient's protests, the League was powerless to prevent the move and in 1913 the North London rivalry between Woolwich-Spurs began. If Tottenham were upset about Woolwich moving on to their doorstep, they had even more reason to be angry six years later, for Sir Henry wasn't finished with Spurs.
1919: Get Spurs relegated and Woolwich promoted from 6th position - In 1915, when Football ended because of World War One, Chelsea and Spurs had finished bottom of the first division and Woolwich were sixth in Division two. The League planned to expand the first division by two clubs and precedent dictated that the two bottom clubs would stay up and the top two in the second division would join them. Sir Henry had other ideas. To this day the details of exactly what occurred at the league's meeting in March 1919 remains a mystery, but by the end of the day, Woolwich had been voted into the first division and Spurs voted out. Woolwich have never been out of the top flight since.
1919: Parrot Killers - Spurs embarked on a tour of South America (Argentina & Uruguay) in 1909. The boat journey either way to Argentina was fairly long. One of the distractions provided for the passengers on the way home was a fancy dress competition. It was actually won by two of the Spurs' players dressed as Robinson Crusoe and Man Friday. The ship had a parrot and they had borrowed it as one of their props. As a result the parrot was presented to the club (or the two players) by the ship's captain. And yes it is claimed that the bird died on the day the dirty deed took place in 1919, which saw Woolwich replace Spurs in the first division. It has been suggested in some quarters that this was the origin of the phrase "as sick as a parrot"! Add Parrot murderers to their list of crimes
1923: Get Gillespie Road station renamed - The Gooner scum also managed to get Gillespie Road station renamed to Arsen*l station by some dodgy dealings with London Transport and the local council. A wrong that should be righted as soon as they move to their unconverted rubbish dump at Ashburton Grove.
1924: Druggie cheats – More tales of Gooners up to no good with manager Leslie Knighton admitting giving performance enhancing drugs to his shit players during their unsuccessful 1924 FA Cup run.
1927: Help Spurs get relegated – Rumours that they did not play their best in certain matches to ensure Spurs were relegated
1929: Justice for the First of the Gooners - Henry Norris – a lifetime ban from Football – too little too late - Sir Henry got his come-uppance. In 1929 the FA banned him from soccer because he constantly flouted their rules and was also suspected of making illegal payments to players. A year after he was banned, Woolwich won the FA Cup for the first time and in 1931 became the first London side to win the Championship. Tottenham, meanwhile, spent most of the 1930s in the second division -- their glory days still in the future
1929: Herbert’s Legacy – Ex Spur Herbert Chapman managed to get some of the Spurs Lilywhite into their kit by making the sleeves white – but his other efforts to weaken Woolwich failed as they won the league a couple of times under his control
1968: Bob Wilson – Oriental spy
1971: George Graham - claimed a goal in some cup final or other that he blatantly did not get anywhere near to touching
1974: Don Howe – Criminally Insane individual
1979: Alan Sunderland - "and you're just a murderer, Sunderland"
1979: Peter Story - jail for running a brothel
1980: Peter Story - jail again, this time for counterfeit gold coins
1981: Kenny Sansom – played for England
1987: Paul Vassen - Drug stuff
1988: Paul Davis - breaking Glenn Cockerill's jaw during a first division game
1989: Paul Merson and Steve Bould are "disciplined by Woolwich" after late night incident at sponsor's function.
1989: Woolwich are fined £20,000 by FA for part in brawl during game against Norwich
1990: Peter Story - jail again - this time for porn smuggling conviction
1990: Merson, Groves, Winterburn & Richardson sent home from club tour of Singapore following another alleged "late night incident".
1990: Woolwich fined £50,000 by FA and docked two points after Old Trafford brawl. The Club in turn fined manager George Graham two weeks wages after holding him responsible for lack of discipline on the field.
1990: Tony Adams - Jailed on drunk-driving charges.
1991: Paul Merson, Ian Wright and David Seaman charged by FA with misconduct after incidents at end of first division match at Oldham.
1992: Lee Dixon – played for England, and even Adams used to sing “if Dixon plays for England so could I” to him in training
1993: Andy Linaghan makes anti Semitic remarks to Jewish Taxi driver
1993: Ian Wright banned for three games after FA commission upheld charge that he had directed a punch at Tottenham's David Howells during game at White Hart Lane. Commission also fine George Graham £500 for improper remarks to referee Alf Bush after same match.
1994: Paul Merson, probably for a bet or when he was pissed, was sent to drug addiction clinic
1994: David Seamen dumped his Mrs and Kids for some floozy
1994: George Graham's £430,000 bungs first reported
1995: Ray Parlour arrested after punch-up with Hong Kong taxi-driver on a club tour
1995: Graham found guilty by FA inquiry and banned from football for 12 months.
1995: David Hillier charged by police for credit card and luggage theft at airport.
1996: Donkey Adams confesses to his teammates that he is an alcoholic (and then puts his arm round them telling them they are his best mate).
1996: Nigel Winterburn under investigation by the FA after the police reported him to match officials for making inflammatory gestures towards rival supporters in the wheelchair section
1996: Ian Wright (again) on an FA Misconduct charge for calling Sheffield Wednesday manager David Pleat a pervert.
1996: Woolwich players involved in half-time scuffle with Coventry players in the tunnel & Ian Wright smashes and badly breaks Coventry goalkeeper Steve Ogrizivic's nose
1996. Unfounded & completely untrue rumours circulated about Arsene Wenger being a paedophile! which he most certainly is not.
1998: From the repulsive JVC, they are now sponsored by the Italian word for Wank, Sega. Apparently “Woolwich” means something disgusting in most languages
1998: Dutch winger Glenn Helder attempted suicide after becoming a compulsive gambler whilst at Scumbury
1999: Despite "New" Woolwich, they still have the worst disciplinary record in the league
1999: Ian Wright Chicken tonight advert
1999: Graham Rix - Old Gooner instincts die hard, as he joins the rest of his former team mates inside for a spot of under age sex
1999: Sheffield United in the Cup scandal - Typical example of their cheating ethos. It was the 5th round, it was 1-1. A Sheff United striker had gone down after a Grimandi challenge and the ball was cleared, eventually coming through to the United keeper and, as Bergkamp closed in, the keeper cleared into touch so his team-mate could receive treatment. There followed a break while the United man got treatment, and was substituted. Parlour then took the throw, but rather than give it back to United, as almost all honourable sportsmen will do, he threw it to Kanu who passed it to Overmars who scored the winner. Evil and wicked
2000: Patrick Vieira sent off twice in the space of 2 games for violent conduct.
2000: Arsene Wenger charged with charged with threatening behaviour and physical intimidation of fourth official Paul Taylor
2001: Ray Parlour illegal parking of a caravan
2001: Monkey Keown assault charge during a game with Leeds
2001: Vieira sent off to 8th time – although to be fair he was having a go at Dennis Wise
2001: Silvinho sold for possessing too much flair, Stepanovs, Grimandi, Luzhny breathe a sigh of relief
2001: Monkey Keown pretends to be elbowed to get Hasselbaink sent off
2001: Vieira - cheats to win a penalty against Shalke
2001: Gooner Bin Laden – The world most wanted man is revealed as a Gooner
2001: Pires – caught spitting at Kevin Muscat during a France match
2001: Planning permission for New Scumbury – Years after the Gillespie Road station naming fiasco, the Goons are in league with Islington Council to get planning permission to move to the council rubbish dump. No hint of wrong doing at all as the stadium gets the go-ahead despite:
- Safety concerns at the North end of the complex,
- Real jobs replaced by McJobs as 1,000’s of jobs at risk as the incumbent business have to move
- Transportation problems already present on match days to double with the increased capacity (assuming they can fill it)
- SSSI Gillespie Park to be ruined by Bovine Goons going too and from the match.
2002: Goon Prince – Well known Goon Prince Harold has done his level best to make the rest of the goons proud of him by having an underage drink & drugs problem. All he needs now is to develop a gambling problem (which should not be too difficult considering him relatives) and he’ll be a ringer for a young Merson.
2002: Ticket investigation – Parlour was at the centre of an investigation as to how his complimentary tickets ended up in the hands of touts. Police were alerted by the increased number of caravans within the vicinity of the stadium.
2002: Mockney Twat – Jamie Oliver confirmed as a Gooner – all those people you really hated – all goons, the lot of em!
2002: Puddin' Alert – Semen lets England down against Brazil in the World Cup
2002: Start as you mean to go on – Diving Ashley Cole gets a Birmingham player sent off. Goons win against 10 men
2002: Puddin’ Alert (2) – Semen & RSol lets England down against Macedonia in the European Championships
2002: Start as you mean to go on (2) – Diving Ashley Cole gets Davies sent off at Scumbury
2003: Reg Hollis – Serially Dull TV copper admits he is a goon to no-one’s surprise
2003: Prostitute Pennant – Step mum of young goon is a £60 hooker according to the People newspaper
2003: Beast is a Gooner – One of the ugliest women ever to lumber around the planet, Eastenders Sonia Jackson has admitted she is goon which is hardly surprising.
2003: Sex offender Goon – Goon youth team player Marcus Artry jailed for 9 years for sex attacks, inc on minors
2004: Sad Man – Record new signing Reyes declares “I am the saddest man” on hearing he is going to be a Goon and tries to fit in by scoring a spectacular own goal Dixon would be proud of to knock the Goons out of the League Cup in his first game
2004: Cheating Goons and the non penalty – For the first time in history a referee changes a decision because of player protests and it comes as no surprise to see that the goons are the beneficiaries against Fulham
2004: Graham Stack on Rape charge – Another Goon in trouble with the old bill
2005: Reyes and the bad men – Less than a year after joining, Reyes is duped into revealing his desperation to leave Woolwich because of all the “bad men” in a radio wind up.
2005: Pennant banged up – More goons in trouble, this time Jermaine Pennant is locked up for three months for the age old Scumbury tradition of drink driving & crashing motors
2005: Saint Ashley – After the Goons got away with the whole tapping up inquiry as the victims with no one mentioning RSol and his defection, poor old Ashley Cole, England’s worst left back since Winterburn and Sansom, decided to sell his story to the press - but only on the condition that he gets to wear and keep a Prada suit for free, along with a fee for the interview - all on top of his £50k a week salary. In the midst of all this wealth and pampering, Cole did find time to wear a "make poverty history" wristband - so that's ok then
2005: Another day... another set of allegations of rape and murder from the ranks of Scumbury. First Robin Van Persie has a night in the Rotterdam slammer after a rape allegation and former Goon Davor "Cock" Suker has his collar felt related to the murder of his former business partner
2006: “Woolwich support Apartheid” reads the Guardian Headline. Woolwich have reportedly signed a deal to promote Israel, a country which denies Palestinians human rights (including allowing Palestinian footballers to attend world cup qualifiers) and is illegally occupying Palestinian territory. It goes against the very principles of anti-racism which it notionally supports through 'Kick Racism Out of Football Campaign'. Wenger is in a glass-house when he accuses Pardew of racism.
2006: More racism. This time its Van Persie racially abusing Manchester City defender David Sommeil
2006: Dodgy. Spurs forced to play the Champions League play decider with an ill side
2007: More Dodgy. Lots of dodgy goings on as Woolwich comeback to beat Wigan with an offside goal set up by a player who should have been red carded for a penalty Wigan were not given when 1-0 up
2007: The curse of David Hillier. The OB report that crime has doubled or something in the area since Woolwich’s new stadium move
2007: Brass rubbing. "Woolwich ace in 6-hooker hotel party" - Page 15 of the Sun. Rosicky
More as it comes in....
